A HR Manager Caring for Employees
Hello, I'm a 28-year-old woman, currently working as a HR manager in an IT company.
During the time I started with Distancing, I was experiencing several challenging situations at work. As a HR manager, I was grappling with feelings of responsibility, slight depression, and anxiety.
Reacting to Every Single Piece of Feedback
However, what made me more distressed was people's feedback. Due to the nature of HR tasks, I could immediately see employees' feedback about my work on the company's community platform. And I found myself reacting negatively to each feedback and experiencing emotional ups and downs, even when the feedback was not worth paying attention to and was just plain criticism.
Of course, considering the multiple interests at stake, I knew I couldn't satisfy everyone. Nevertheless, whenever employees had negative reactions to the HR work I performed, I quickly became depressed and anxious.
“I found myself reacting negatively and emotionally to each and every piece of feedback."
A Vicious Cycle: Binge Eating and Self-Blame
To make matters worse, I was in the midst of dealing with binge eating disorder that started shortly after a body profile photo shoot. It was the time when I was somewhat mentally unstable.
So, whenever I had a negative experience at work, it often led to binge eating. Then, I blamed myself and got trapped in a vicious cycle. Each time I tried to change myself but failed, I start to resign to the thought, 'maybe, it's hard to change.'
“Each time I tried to change myself but failed, I started to resign to the thought, 'maybe, it's hard to change.”
Past Efforts with No Effectiveness
Firstly, I spent two months receiving face-to-face psychological counseling. Although it allowed me to delve into the problems that I had, it wasn't easy to open up until I built a rapport with the counselor. Moreover, the financial burden was significant.
Afterwards, I experimented with several psychological counseling apps. However, conducting consultations through text wasn't easy, and ultimately they seemed to direct towards face-to-face counseling for deeper consultation.
Particularly regarding my eating disorder, I had gone through various books, YouTube channels, and SNS channels that address the issue. I even funded and purchased materials made by respective creators. However, it was difficult to consistently practice on my own in my busy daily life, and eventually, I ended up wasting money.
An Unexpected Email
I still recall the first email I received from the Distancing team. They accurately addressed the various challenges I was facing at the time, which made me think, "This could be different."
When I was assigned a professional coach, I deemed it promising that this wouldn't be another temporary effort, and that I would receive a personalized solution for my problems.
Moreover, I presumed this wasn't about controlling or suppressing my eating disorder, but about genuinely addressing the root of my problem.
“I presumed it wasn't about controlling or suppressing my eating disorder, but about genuinely addressing the root of my problem.”
Discovering the Real Problem from the Root of My Thoughts
In Distancing, you examine automatic thoughts and beliefs while keeping a thought record. However, I was already familiar with those concepts from various books and media content, and I had tried to keep note of my automatic thoughts as previously instructed. So, even while doing the activities given by the program, I was sceptical. I wondered, 'I've tried these before, would it make a difference this time?', 'What would be different this time?'
But as my coach reviewed my thought records and asked deeper questions, pushing my thinking further, I began to observe deeply embedded core beliefs in my subconscious that I hadn't acknowledged before. Once those core beliefs were recognized, I could see the real problem.
I realized it was not merely an issue of emotional regulation, I was also overly sensitive to others' assessments and views, and held a misconstrued belief that I wouldn't receive positive evaluations. Once I understood the real problem, I started questioning myself, "Why did I think like this? This isn't totally correct." Gradually, I started distancing myself from my problem. As my thoughts started to change little by little, I was sure that I could genuinely change this time.
“I was sure that I could genuinely change this time.”
Ingraining Distancing as a Habit
In Distancing, you can immediately apply what you've learned to your daily life. One such example is a training for evaluating automatic thoughts, which works as follows.
When you have negative thoughts and emotions, take a few moments to breathe and observe the content of your current thoughts, evaluate if they are factual, imagine the outcomes if you accept or dismiss these thoughts, check if there are any traps in your thoughts. By doing so, you nurture the habit of distancing from 'negative thoughts' in your daily life.
One day, I suddenly felt depressed for no apparent reason. Normally, I would've resorted to binge eating or tried to dig into the cause of my depression, which would've made it worse.
But having consistently practiced evaluating automatic thoughts, I was able to question, 'Do I have any basis to feel depressed today?,' 'Even if I cannot identify a reason, is feeling this way beneficial for me?' Consequently, I was able to keep my feelings at bay and remain composed.
Next, I decided to take a walk to lift my spirits, so I dealt with my feelings more wisely. I remember feeling extremely proud of myself for demonstrating personal growth on the day I returned from that walk.
“I remember feeling extremely proud f myself for demonstrating personal growth on the day I returned from that walk.”
Overcoming Binge Eating Healthily
The most significant transformation I've made while working with Distancing is that my binge eating has substantially decreased!
When I first started with Distancing, I had many triggers for binging. It would happen when I had negative emotions, and even after dining out joyfully with friends, thoughts like 'I might gain weight because of what I ate today' would trigger binge eating. My thoughts would always follow a pattern: 'Should I eat this? → It’s already ruined → I've already messed up, so I might as well eat.' And once I started, I wouldn't stop until I physically couldn't eat anymore.
Nowadays, I first ask myself: 'Am I genuinely hungry, or am I just trying to avoid my feelings?' If I do realize that I'm binging, I think: 'I've eaten this, and it has given me some comfort, let’s be okay with this. Perhaps next time, I’ll find a healthier way to cope.' Then, I am able to stop eating.
Not Allowing Others' Opinions Impact My Life
Even when I receive negative feedback from others, I no longer get severely affected. Instead, I discern the truth in the feedback, and whether it's helpful advice, before accepting it.
Of course, I can initially feel upset. However, I've learned the art of reacting wisely, so that those feelings don't impact the remainder of my life.
“I discern the truth in the feedback, and whether it's helpful advice, before accepting it.”
Light-hearted Travel
As my fear of binge eating decreased, travelling became more enjoyable and stress-free. In the past, meal times were stressful during travel because I worried about overeating. I meticulously planned my meals and packed meal replacement shakes and other items, resulting in a ton of luggage.
But recently, since I no longer worry about meals, I focus more on the experiences I can have during my travels. Even if I am not consciously trying, I stop eating when I am satisfied, and my luggage is much lighter!
A Completely Changed Attitude Towards Challenges
And another thing, taking on new challenges has become easier. I used to avoid even starting due to the fear of receiving poor evaluations, but now I am more inclined to give it a shot when opportunities arise. I am now realizing how much joy I missed out on due to my fear of negative evaluations, by trying out things like vocal lessons and CrossFit.
“I am now realizing how much joy I missed out on due to my fear of negative evaluations.”
Confidence, Challenges, and Achievement
Recently, I succeeded in changing my job. I applied for it despite falling short in some areas like work experience and years of service. But during the interview, the interviewer told me that they saw a lot of potential in me given my years of service, which was surprisingly good. If I had only cared about others' opinions and feared evaluations, I would not have known how competent I really am.
“If I had only cared about others' opinions and feared evaluations, I would not have known how competent I really am.”
Changes Made with My Coach
None of these changes would have been possible without my coach. Honestly, I was not consistent in doing my daily activities, but every time that happened, she encouraged me and patiently waited.
After completing my activities, she would carefully review what I had recorded and posed additional questions about aspects I needed to think about further. When I saw those questions, I got the impression that she wasn't just blindly following a predetermined curriculum but providing care tailored to me. I think it would have been challenging to carry out the program this deeply if I had done it alone.
And most importantly, when I was berating myself or drowning in negative emotions, she didn't force me to change or divert my thoughts in the opposite direction. Instead, she asked me what I would say if my closest friend or family member had the same thoughts, allowing me to have some distance and view my thoughts objectively.
In the end, the process of communicating with my coach was all part of training for my growth.
“I got the impression that she wasn't just blindly following a predetermined curriculum but providing care tailored to me.”
A Program That Nurtures the Power to Win Over Myself
I keep a diary. Although I am not very consistent, when my emotions, good or bad, intensify, I turn on my mood light, sip a warm tea, and quietly write down my thoughts. As I write down my thoughts, I feel my emotions calm down, wondering why I was so agitated.
I think that both Distancing and keeping a diary share the commonality of helping me observe my thoughts from a distance so that I don't get swept away in anguish. However, while a diary often ends with personal impressions and repeats the same content, Distancing was more effective in finding traps in those thoughts by myself and nurturing the power to avoid those traps.
“It was more effective in finding traps in those thoughts by myself and nurturing the power to avoid those traps.”
A Leisurely and Enjoyable Life
I want to live a life that enjoys diversity and abundance. And I want to help others to be able to do the same.
To do so, I believe that I need to have peace of mind. If one is consumed by the problems at hand without the leisure to look back on life, one cannot feel or enjoy anything. And such a person would hardly be able to care for those around them.
In this sense, I believe that I am getting closer to the ideal life I envision by regaining peace of mind through Distancing.
“I am getting closer to the ideal life I envision by regaining peace of mind through Distancing.”
Overcoming Self-Doubt: Can I Change?
Those of you reading this are probably looking for various methods to escape from distress. And most of them may have been failed attempts. Therefore, you might be more skeptical about whether you can change using Distancing. I felt the same way. I only expanded my understanding through various channels without actually solving my problems, so I began Distancing with skepticism.
During the first 1-2 weeks of the activities, you might think, "I already know this, can anything really change?" However, if you persevere, you will feel that this time it's different. You will gradually build mental strength and start thinking in a different way. I hope you can experience the same sense of freedom that I felt. I think it's time for me to help others live in the same way!